Deep thoughts.
I was recently approached to go above and beyond in my comfort zone and use strengths of character that I did not fully believe I possessed. [TLDR; I successfully navigated a two car caravan of first-timers out of a foreign country, an unfamiliar area with a language I do not speak.] I did this because my newly acquainted traveling companion, Lucy's*, mother was dying and she needed to return home. I stepped up, of course, wouldn't any empathetic companion do the same?
My original plan was to take 2 or 3 days and return home leisurely and admittedly I was becoming increasingly personally distressed at how I was going to get myself home. I don't speak the language and relied upon a downloaded google map as my navigation. A technology still new to me, yes, google maps' features are still new to me. Now I have another human relying on me fully to make all the decisions of when we stop, how we cross back, which route, completely up to me. Lucy asked me to make all the decisions, because Lucy's "head was not in the game" - Lucy's words.
I repeat, I used strengths I did not fully believe I possessed. I believed I can't drive well in any city, I believed I did not have enough grasp of the host country's language. I still do not do well in cities, that's a fact. I was raised during my driving years in the rural northwest; lack of experience is the primary problem and I'm well aware of my limitations based on former complications.
So some of you are going to see this coming and if not, that's okay: I didn't either. When we stepped foot back on US soil, literally at the gas station we found after border crossing, Lucy came clean and said - nonchalantly, it seemed to me - her mother was fine. Lucy lied because she did not want to be in Baja.*
I'm going to stop us all right here and redirect this into my main reason for contemplation today: What other relationships have pushed you to greatness and they were based on misinformation? Doesn't that personal triumph still hold a great deal of validity? What you did, what you accomplished, is still worthy of award, right? There's a parable of the couple in the boat, I think it bears telling, I'll make it succinct:
You and your sweetie are in a canoe in the river with a picnic basket enjoying a calm warm afternoon.
Canoe hits up against something and overturns. Down you all go underwater. Up comes sweetie and you, sputtering and wet, basket is gone.
You look and see your canoe has hit a sunken log and that is why it overturned.
What is your emotion? - think about this for a moment, your first reaction.
Now start over.
You and your sweetie are in a canoe in the river with a picnic basket enjoying a calm warm afternoon.
Canoe hits up against something and overturns. Down you all go underwater. Up comes sweetie and you, sputtering and wet, basket is gone.
You look and see your canoe has been hit by a prankster, and they are swimming away quickly and that is why it overturned.
What is your emotion? what is your first reaction? How are these two reactions different and why. The outcome is identical.
The object of this parable is a thought experiment of sorts, and it as close as I have right now to help us re-frame our belief systems. Some people I have asked this parable of have been extremely nonchalant the first rendition and have actually threatened murder the second, and your core system, your cardiovascular system, your blood pressure, all your emotions are reacting based on what you have been told. It would have been better, emotionally for me, for Lucy to have kept her secret safe, gone radio silent and after a while reported a miraculous comeback, we all would have believed it. I would not be so put out for my valiant effort, which it still was, no doubt.
The expression I have for us all here now is, how can we, with the information we do have -some accurate, some not- re-frame our experiences from the prankster back to the underwater log. Letting go of the personal association, any malice, and live with what we have now, still seeing our deeds for what they were, true personal greatness.
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*Lucy is not her real first name.
*Lucy had other reasons for not wanting to be in Baja, a myriad of complaints, none truly life threatening, all could have been addressed with open dialogue. Her personal problem set is not relevant to my dissertation; I've simplified it by saying she didn't want to be in Baja any longer.
